INFINITY TRAPPED IN A SICK BODY

I never like it when I'm sick.

And I'm thankful that I am never ever sick. Once a year when I was younger and now maybe three times a year. But when I'm sick, I'm a baby and I'm overemotional and afraid and, looking out the window at people riding bikes and jogging and running and playing, feeling as though I would never ever have the chance to play again.

The other night, I tried to meditate with a head cold. I pretended that Jesus was on a lotus position six inches on top of me. Around his head is a white halo. Around his throat is a halo the color of rubies. Around his chest is a blue light. Inhale. Exhale. And then I imagine the white light moving from his head to mine, as I breathe out and chant Ohhmm. Next, inhaling, I imagine the ruby-red light mving from his throat to mine, as I breathe out and chant Ahhhh. Next, as I breathe in, I imagine the blue light moving from his chest to mine, as, breathing out, I chant, huuuuung. After all that, I imagine the rest of Jesus coming down to become a part of me, his whole image disappearing into me.

I learned this from my Saturday meditation classes and I believe it is either a Tibetan practice, opposed to the Hindu practice where the chakra colors are different or is it the other way around? Whatever. Of course, the image of Jesus is my choice. The image could be any god or deity or goddess or entity or saint you truly believe in (my guru says it doesn't matter because they are all one and the same). At any rate, it used to make me happy, but this time it felt like a waste of time, as I couldn't really concentrate, with a sneeze always threatening to shatter my serenity and my clogged nose obstructing the flow of energy.

My meditation guru says, without actually imposing it on me, that god is energy, that basic vibration that makes up the universe if you go into the very basic unit, past the molecules and atoms and neurons and all. In the end, solid, liquid, or gas, tangible or intangible, reality or imagination, it's just energy. That's what we have in common with the kitchen table, the Apple notebook I am typing away on, the clouds in the sky, the gases on Jupiter, the stars in another galaxy.

That is how we are big, because we are part of everything else, manifesting only, through minor differences in vibration levels, as either you, me, the Pacific Ocean, the North American continent, or God as we envision Him or Her or It to be.

When I meditate, on few occassions of pure enlightenment, I feel myself bigger than my body and sometimes I have this feeling that I do have the power to have everything I want because I am part of everything. Sometimes, I imagine light passing through my body to remove all the darkness, the hurts, the pain, the viruses festering in my lungs on days I have to battle it out with the flu or the common cold or the allergic rhinitis, such as now.

It has worked many times.

In 1997, during meditation, I felt my soul getting bigger and bigger that it reached New York, with which I was obsessed at that time. It was such a wonderful feeling that I came out of the meditation feeling as free as a bird. I let it on and kept wanting to have the same experience, except it was never quite as powerful as the first time I had it. Still, I welcomed the New Year in 1998 at Times Square in New York, shivering at 15 below zero weather with my dearest friends.

This is only one of the many ways tuning in on my inner resources has given me the power to be or to have whatever I want.

But it's not that simple. Sometimes, the secret is there, in your grasp, but you cannot seem to just keep it under lock and key. It's fluid. It's moving all the time, like the atoms in our body, the current in the ocean, the weather systems over the earth.

My meditation guru says the universe is at my service, only ready to say, "My wish is my command" every time a thought pops into my mind. Like the genie to Alladin, the universe is at my beck and call, but I cannot order it around like I would a slave because its language is not spoken, but felt and has to come from deep inside me.

I'd like to tell the universe to banish all sickness in the world but first, from very deep inside me, I must believe it is possible to go through this life without getting sick. Only then will the my Genie, my Universe, My God understand exactly what I'm asking for.